Let a Jackass Be Your Umbrella

I’m not a fan of the oversized umbrella – especially in urban settings.  Actually, let me rephrase that: large umbrellas should be disallowed by law.

With all the rain over the last few weeks, I have been witness to umbrella infractions that are truly monstrous (and I am referring both the the umbrellas and the infractions when I use the word “monstrous”).

Exhibit 1

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Diameter of umbrella is equal to half the width of the sidewalk, as is clearly evidenced by the comparison of the squares in the sidewalk to the offending umbrella.

Exhibits 2A and 2B

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Umbrella is of excessive diameter, in a pattern or color that draws further attention to its immense proportions, as if to say “Outta my way, plebs!” Also, umbrella is being used in front of my office when I am going to lunch, causing me great suffering.

Exhibits 3A and 3B

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Radius of umbrella is equal to one half of umbrella deployer’s height.

Exhibit 4

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Umbrella is of sufficient diameter to cover both the user and an entire MUNI bus.  Also, umbrella is being used when it is not, in fact, raining.

Exhibit 5

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Although difficult to see via a still photograph, this umbrella was being swung to and fro, describing a 180° arc, it’s needle-sharp tip menacing the torsos and groins of all in its vicinity.

Exhibit 6

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Not wanting to get his own clothes wet, this umbrella carrier kept it extended as far into the aisle of the bus as his arms allowed, even using the bat-wing effect of his damaged umbrella to ensure maximum inconvenience and wetness to boarding passengers.

Exhibit 7

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Umbrella carrier “E”, a good friend, is unrepentant when I remark upon his gargantuan brolly.

Exhibit 8

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Um, OK…  She gets a pass.

Exhibit 9

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So, pretty much committing every offense outlined above, while also positioning the umbrella in such as way as to menace both adults and children – not to mention providing near-zero rain protection for himself.  So, both douchey and stupid.

Exhibit 10

Finally, though, a little justice…  This umbrella, which I’m quite sure is large enough to provide shade for a four-top at The Ramp, has turned on its owner, blowing inside out and nearly sending her sailing into traffic. And, really – is there anything more humiliating than having one’s umbrella blown inside out?  I think not…

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5 responses to “Let a Jackass Be Your Umbrella

  1. Oh my god, I cannot tell you how much I loved this post (and your older one). I HATE gi-normous umbrellas. I mean really…unless you’re protecting a family of 5 under there, where is the need?

    Also, is it even sprinkling in these pics? Several folks in the backgrounds are umbrella-less so it can’t be that bad.

    Ugh. What is your deal, big umbrella people?

  2. The deal is this is yet another example of the behavior of the clueless self-centered masses some of whom I ‘m sure are very nice people but that’s no excuse.

  3. What I need is an umbrella with an off-center handle, because I cannot seem to walk and hold an umbrella and not get soaked on one shoulder. MY LIFE IS REALLY HARD, guys.

  4. This is fantastic. It took real effort to get all that supporting evidence in the rain. I think you should have left there faces in, for public humiliation. Otherwise, how will they learn?

  5. Oh god, THEIR faces. THEIR!
    Whatever, those people don’t deserve good grammar.

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