Tips and Tricks for Being in Public

With the exception of my musings on various restaurants, a lot of what shows up on this blog is from other blogs.  So in an effort to be more servicey, I will periodically offer hints on how one should conduct oneself when one ventures forth from one’s abode into the public arena.

1. When standing slack-jawed, drooling and immobile at the top of an escalator; or walking with a group of one’s friends four-abreast on the sidewalk despite the fact that one is not filming the opening sequence for the next Sex and the City movie; or toweling dry one’s balls in an overly-vigorous manner next to a steaming pile of one’s disgusting workout clothes which are on the floor directly in front of someone else’s locker at the gym; or in any other way interfering with the ability of others to walk, move, ingress, egress or perform any of the other quotidian activities required of city-dwellers the world over; and someone (for example, me) says “Excuse me, please”, what he actually means is “Get the fuck out of my way – now.”

2. If someone repeats “Excuse me, please” a second time (because the person in question has not, in fact, gotten the fuck out of the way), the meaning changes slightly to “Get the fuck out my way or I will cut you.”  NOTE: if the second instance is a simple “Excuse me” with no “please” appended, this indicates that the speaker is already reaching for an ice pick, razor blade or one of the many other sharp objects concealed upon his person.

3. When boarding an elevator, subway train, streetcar or any other public conveyance, it is customary to allow disembarking passengers to alight from said conveyance prior to pushing one’s way on.  Failure to do so may elicit an “Excuse me, please” (see above) or a “Are you fucking insane, you dumb fuck?  I’m trying to get off the goddamn elevator/train/streetcar, so let me the fuck through, you stupid sack of shit!” which is generally translated as “Are you fucking insane, you dumb fuck?  I’m trying to get off the goddamn elevator/train/streetcar, so let me the fuck through, you stupid sack of shit!”

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s