Hmmm… Should I wear the Chanel or the Balenciaga?

“I’m fresh out of tube socks and Cheetos.  But it’s such a trial having to put on my sweats and my dentures before I go to that hoity-toity Wal-mart…  Eh, screw it, I’ll just slip some Kleenex boxes onto my feet, wrap myself in this blanket I stole from a hobo and go to Dollar Palace.”

–Thanks to Joe P. for sending this.

Pancho Villa: Great Burrito Amidst Inanity

Baby Burrito with Carnitas

Pancho Villa Tacqueria on the Embarcadero has been on something of a roll with me lately.  Their burritos are consistently good, but the last few have approached the zenith of the art of burrito making.  Per usual, I ordered a baby burrito (not to be confused with a burrito baby), which, despite the diminutive name, is sufficiently gut-busting to sate my appetite.  The ingredients are fresh and delicious as always – tender and savory carnitas; well-seasoned and spicy pico de gallo; rice and beans; avocado slices (generously applied and pretty much always superior to guacamole in both taste and texture); some cheese (which was nice and melty);  jalapeños; and some extra tomatillo salsa alongside.

Clearly, with such an array of well-executed burrito fillings, there is not a whole lot to screw up.  But today (and on my prior visit), I found the ingredients to be perfectly distributed throughout the burrito, the hallmark of fine craftsmanship – because, really, is there anything worse than a mouthful of just a single ingredient from one’s burrito, be it plain rice, a huge chunk of meat or a gusher of salsa?  I think not.  The whole point of a burrito is to enjoy a bit of each ingredient in every bite – and Pancho Villa’s burrito ladies have been doing a bang-up job of making this happen.

Not to mention, the burrito assembly technique is superb – symmetrical and wrapped tightly enough to ensure that it maintained its shape and integrity until the very last bite.  I went nearly foil-free from the very first bite.

Phoning it in…

I haven’t posted in days – I’m a loser…  It was rather a long weekend, what with the Dore Alley Fair and all.  But I’m trying to get back on my schedule of posting at least once daily…

This is a pretty lame post, since I’m just stealing it from PhotoBasement.  But it still cracked me up…  No pun intended.

Won’t someone please think of the burritos?

This is especially tragic, given California’s recent passage of the “Safely Surrendered Burrito Law”, allowing anyone to surrender a burrito confidentially and without fear of prosecution within 72 hours of purchase at any fire station or hospital.

Haute Couture au Bateau d’Amour

Judging from the cast featured in the opening credits, this appears to have been one of the finest episodes ever in the Love Boat oeuvre.  And you just know there was a big charity fashion show finale…

And can anyone tell me whatever happened to Camilla Sparv?  I remember not long after her moving portrayal of “Joanne Atkins” in this chapter of the Love Boat, she gave a tour-de-force performance as “Maria von Förster” in an episode of Airwolf… But since then, we’ve barely heard from her….

Unfortunate Line Break

From the monthly newsletter at my gym.

Seekh Kabab and You Shall Find

Note the lovely presentation - much nicer than eating straight from the carton while leaning over the sink...

Thursday nights are generally “on-your-own” for dinner night chez nous.  So, I ordered take-out from my favorite place in the neighborhood, Shalimar. It’s perfect for just me, since Chris won’t eat there.  Something about it being “filthy”.  Granted, it’s a little less than pristine (ahem) when compared to a nice sit-down place like Sultan.  And it can be a bit chaotic (woe to the first time visitor who doesn’t understand the “system” for obtaining food…  Even ordering take-out is almost stressful enough to require a Valium…  Though I go often enough that the gentlemen working at the counter recognize me – and always kindly fill up my Tupperware container with mint chutney – ’cause you can never have too much mint chutney). But it is so freakin’ delicious.

I had my usual order of seekh kababs – ground lamb, heavily spiced with cumin, cardomom, garlic and probably a bunch of other spices, cooked up on a skewer in the tandoori oven, with a crispy outside and a meaty interior.  My mouth is actually watering just describing them…  An order of daal, yellow lentils cooked up in a curry with chiles – spicy and comforting.  And some onion kulcha (naan stuffed with onions), always hot out of the oven, the exterior a bit crunchy with some almost-charred bits, but tender and pillowy-soft on the inside.  Plenty of mint chutney to go alongside…

I skipped the kheer for dessert (a soupy rice pudding with almonds and cardamom pods), since I’m on a slimming regimen in preparation for next weekend’s Dore Alley fair, but I can tell you from experience that it is wonderful.  Creamy and rich, but refreshing and soothing after a spicy meal.  Guess I’ll look forward to having some whenever Chris stops telling me how fat I am…  Sigh…

Tips and Tricks for Being in Public

With the exception of my musings on various restaurants, a lot of what shows up on this blog is from other blogs.  So in an effort to be more servicey, I will periodically offer hints on how one should conduct oneself when one ventures forth from one’s abode into the public arena.

1. When standing slack-jawed, drooling and immobile at the top of an escalator; or walking with a group of one’s friends four-abreast on the sidewalk despite the fact that one is not filming the opening sequence for the next Sex and the City movie; or toweling dry one’s balls in an overly-vigorous manner next to a steaming pile of one’s disgusting workout clothes which are on the floor directly in front of someone else’s locker at the gym; or in any other way interfering with the ability of others to walk, move, ingress, egress or perform any of the other quotidian activities required of city-dwellers the world over; and someone (for example, me) says “Excuse me, please”, what he actually means is “Get the fuck out of my way – now.”

2. If someone repeats “Excuse me, please” a second time (because the person in question has not, in fact, gotten the fuck out of the way), the meaning changes slightly to “Get the fuck out my way or I will cut you.”  NOTE: if the second instance is a simple “Excuse me” with no “please” appended, this indicates that the speaker is already reaching for an ice pick, razor blade or one of the many other sharp objects concealed upon his person.

3. When boarding an elevator, subway train, streetcar or any other public conveyance, it is customary to allow disembarking passengers to alight from said conveyance prior to pushing one’s way on.  Failure to do so may elicit an “Excuse me, please” (see above) or a “Are you fucking insane, you dumb fuck?  I’m trying to get off the goddamn elevator/train/streetcar, so let me the fuck through, you stupid sack of shit!” which is generally translated as “Are you fucking insane, you dumb fuck?  I’m trying to get off the goddamn elevator/train/streetcar, so let me the fuck through, you stupid sack of shit!”

God Save Our Bodacious Queen

While I may prefer the pole to the hole, I saw this shot of Helen Mirren and all I could say was “va-va-voom!” This Dame is 63-years young and rocking that bikini like nobody’s business – not to mention that the her swimsuit is as lovely as she is.

Seriously, if I had a body even half as tight and toned, I’d be sporting my banana hammock and pumps 24/7 (rather than just when I’m vacuuming or washing the windows…) You go on with your bad self, Dame Helen!

There is nothing like this Dame!

Daily Mail via Dlisted

Web of Deceit

Jezebel ran a post yesterday about lies and stories parents tell their kids.  The best part of the post was the comments, in which people reminisced (some fondly and some not so much) about lies they either told or were told.  Here are two of my favorites…

“My parents used to tell me that they needed to get my ice cream cones ‘under control’ and then eat most of it before they gave it to me. I used to actually ask them to do it because I was terrified that it would jump off the cone if they didn’t tame it first. Typing that out and re-reading it makes me feel like I might have been a dumb child.”

-comment from xoxoGG

“I’m the oldest of five kids, which meant there were a lot of long car rides instead of airplane flights on vacations, and lots of time with younger siblings who get bored very quickly. On one of these trips (Cleveland to Seattle in a van; you don’t know hell until you’ve done that), my brother Evan (who was probably four at the time) was being particularly obnoxious as we’re driving through Montana. My sister and I told him that, if he kept it up, he’d suffer the same fate as our other brother, Kevin.

‘Who’s Kevin?’

‘You never met him. He was acting up in the car one trip, so Mom and Dad just left him by the side of the road.’

Evan stayed quiet for the rest of the day. Next day, as he’s about to start acting up, my sister sees a hitchhiker and shouts out ‘Mom! Dad! That was Kevin!’ Evan was quiet as a mouse the rest of the trip.”

- comment by Magnakai Haaskivi

This second story starts out great – but the hitchhiker at the end turns it into pure genius.  It almost makes me wish I had kids of my own to torment…

Of course, I had to post one of my own – my younger sister once asked my mom (a registered nurse) what the uvula was for.  My mother’s deadpan answer – “Nothing, but don’t ever touch it or you’ll go on fire.”  My sister went saucer-eyed with terror – and we still mock her for it to this day.

Does anyone have a tissue?

A new game from (of course) Japan.  If I understand this correctly, players must extract the “germs” from the “mucus”, “phlegm” and/or “discharge” oozing forth from the dogs mouth and nose.  The catch? If the tweezers touch the pus-laden effluence, you get an electric shock! I can only imagine what is contained in the ersatz mucus that allows it to conduct a jolt of electricity through your body – but I’m sure it’s completely safe and plutonium-free…

from Gizmodo

Greetings from the Sunshine State!

I really didn’t know whether to laugh or cry at this one…  Though a beturbaned Obama really should have been photoshopped in.  Oh well – at least it is 100% accurate… and at least I don’t live in Florida.

from Gawker

Carpe SPQR!

Seeing as they don’t take reservations, we figured showing up at SPQR on a Sunday at 5:45 would be easy enough – after all, who eats at such an hour?  Well, turns out that SPQR opens at 5:30 and people actually line up beforehand.  So every table was full and all had just been seated.  But, as luck would have it, there were two open seats at the bar – not only did we have a lovely dinner, our server Natasha was the greatest, pointing us to some really great wines.

Natasha recommended several whites under $45 from the all-Italian list and we chose a Northern white (whose name escapes me) that we both really liked.  It was dry and crisp, but with a just hint of oily mouthfeel.

We had two antipasti: the cauliflower fried up with capers, parsley and lemon – little nuggets of crispy golden-brown cauliflower with a creamy interior, the capers and lemon lending a fine accent to all; and Romano beans (kind of like wide flat green beans) sauteed with chili and mint – very spicy, with the mint providing a cool undertone.  We made fast work of both…

A lovely red - Vicari Rosso Piceno

By now we’d finished off our first bottle of wine and I wanted a glass of red to go with our pasta.  This time Natasha had me try Vicari Rosso Piceno, a combination of Montepulciano, Sangiovese and Lacrima di Morro.  It was fantastic – medium-bodied but still with some pronounced tannins, and an underlying note of frankincense.  Chris liked it too and decided we should get a bottle – and far be it from me to object this course of action.

So very crafty…

I forced Chris to attend the Renegade Craft Fair this weekend at Fort Mason.  Turned out, we both had a great time strolling through and pawing at hipster t-shirts, adorable stationery and lots of other cute and/or ironic wares…  A few of our favorites:

Supermaggie - I stumbled upon their t-shirts last year at a shop in the Castro.  They continue to make groovy nature-themed tees and hoodies and I continue to shop online. It was thanks to their email alert that I even heard about the craft fair.

Campfire Goods, Inc. – Really cool city-themed t-shirts.  Chris picked up the “Detroit – City of Motors”, while I ordered a “SF – City of The City”.  I wanted the same color shirt as one of the adorable boys working the booth (sorry, no pix…) and he kindly offered to order it for me – with no shipping charge!  And they’re from Akron, Ohio!  Seriously, how cute is that?

I Heart Guts – Plush internal organs with smiley faces – need I say more?  We bought a pancreas…

Yes, this shit is crazy… And really funny.

Came across some very odd, yet funny cartoons by Kate Beaton.  Be sure to visit her site to see the rest…  the Pope ones were especially good.

Click the image for a larger version.

from Kate Beaton via Gawker

Bacon Floss

Is there anything bacon can’t do?

from Perpetual Kid

A Bull’s-eye for Beretta

La Paloma de Beretta (special note to Bethany: OK! The photos are captioned! Are you happy now? And will you stop your unending stream of vitriol aimed at my blog?)

Had an excellent evening at Beretta on Wednesday night.  Things started off well even before I arrived: despite the crowd and my still-imminent arrival, Chris was seated and served a drink.  No “is your whole party here?” – granted, I think most of the crowd was there for a drink at the bar, but I was still impressed.

Once I did arrive, I ordered the Beretta version of a Paloma – made with tequila, elderflower, cointreau, grapefruit and bitters.  It was delicious – refreshing, with more of a bite than a traditional Paloma (grapefruit soda, tequila, salt).  The bartenders (or “mixologists” as they apparently prefer to be called – whatevs…) really know how to make a drink – even if they are a bit showboat-y with the shakers…

The tables are packed quite close together – which turned out to be a good thing, as we chatted up our neighbors on either side (on the left about the food and cocktails; on the right about our server’s accent – was it South African or Kiwi? Fail! She’s from South Boston – which was quite apparent to me…  But I digress).  The service was leisurely – though I didn’t find it to be slow by any means.  Chris and I enjoyed our cocktails as we mulled over the menu.  Our server checked in a couple of times to answer questions (and kindly did not mock me when I asked what “pangrattato” was – it’s breadcrumbs, i.e. “grated bread” – d’oh!  I need to sign up for that Italian class stat or we’re going to look like a couple of rubes in Rome this October).

Support Obama

Just got an email from my friend Kate about the Obama campaign.  Anybody who donates at least $5 before July 31 may be one of ten people chosen to be flown to Denver, see the acceptance speech and get to meet  Senator Obama.  You don’t need to ask me twice…  To donate, click here.

Summer Lovin’

Orange-cardamom + balsamic-strawberry for me; toasted coconut + roasted banana for Chris; guts hanging over waistbands for both of us…  Thank you Bi-Rite Creamery for your delicious ice cream and for giving us such extra-sexy silhouettes…

Crack down indeed…

“Flint cops crack down on sagging pants.”  The only thing I can really add to this is that the police chief behind (heh heh) this crack-down (heh heh) is named David Dicks.  This caliber of law enforcement comes along once in a blue moon…

Detroit Free Press via Gawker